Happiness

Isn't that what we are all after? We look for it in everything we do and in people. It's a butterfly that lands when it feels like it and flies away when you come near it. It teases and it doesn't stay for long. Right? Freud said that human beings can't stay happy long term and that we search for temporarily happiness. I can't stand Freud, but I found myself agreeing to what he said about happiness (note: you'll never hear me agree with him ever again after this post). We can never find happiness that lasts, why is that? Is it because we expect more than what others can give? Is it because we expect too much for such little we put out? Why is it that happiness never stays for long? Is it because we are too busy searching for it that we forget what happiness truly means? What is it about happiness that we search all our lives for when it comes and leaves so easily? Maybe it's that we keep searching for it in all the wrong places that leaves us confuse and we can't seem to find the right path to it. Maybe instead of wasting all of our time looking for happiness we should acknowledge the happiness around us. Or maybe it's this expectation to be happy that keeps us from really being happy. We feed off temporary happiness; one minute someone can do something that makes you so happy, the next it disappears because tears are running down your face. We hope for that temporary happiness to carry us through the bad times and get us to long term happiness. So when we're going this, does it mean happiness is gone or is it simply just hiding underneath? How can you find out? There are so many questions and way too many possible answers, but why waste our time looking for them? We all know that would make life convenient and that's one thing that life's not... convenient.

Well, I don't wanna look for the answers, instead I'll tell you what I realized... I realized that I often go looking for happiness in all the places I know I won't find. I look for it in people I know I can't get more than what I've gotten from them already. And although deep down I know I am looking in all the wrong places, I refused to give up because that's all I've ever known. It's like hitting myself over and over again, but why won't I stop?! I know that I'd feel better once I do, but why won't I? I realized that once it finally hits, it hits hard. It hits like a ton of brick, it stays on your chest, and it just makes you rethink everything. Finally it comes down to searching for this long term happiness in a black hole where I know I'll never get to it or taking the risk of looking for it somewhere else. I realized that when it comes down to it all, it's not about temporary or long term happiness anymore, it's about self happiness. I realized I was so busy looking for long term happiness and feeding off the temporary happiness to keep me going that I lost the meaning happiness. I realized I was not expecting too much nor was I giving too little, I was so into getting to happiness by looking for it in someone that I lost the happiness inside of me. I was focused on one direction and didn't care to look at any other direction to get possibly get to happiness. Once I stop hitting myself and realized that happiness can be long term, it can be long term as long as I find it within myself. I don't wanna be feeding off the temporary happiness to get me by. This time I want the real thing, I want happiness all the time, I don't want to find it in anybody else. I don't want to have to depend on someone else for MY happiness. I'm slowly heading in a new direction and I can honestly say I am happy. He was always there. He enhances my happiness and it is not solely base on him. That's how it should be! I shouldn't have to look so hard for it when it can be easily found through myself with the help of someone true. 

I don't want answers, I'll just take what I've realized and go with it. I do know this, looking for happiness is just exhausting until it finally hits, it's been there all along... it's not far from where you are.<3