Happiness

Isn't that what we are all after? We look for it in everything we do and in people. It's a butterfly that lands when it feels like it and flies away when you come near it. It teases and it doesn't stay for long. Right? Freud said that human beings can't stay happy long term and that we search for temporarily happiness. I can't stand Freud, but I found myself agreeing to what he said about happiness (note: you'll never hear me agree with him ever again after this post). We can never find happiness that lasts, why is that? Is it because we expect more than what others can give? Is it because we expect too much for such little we put out? Why is it that happiness never stays for long? Is it because we are too busy searching for it that we forget what happiness truly means? What is it about happiness that we search all our lives for when it comes and leaves so easily? Maybe it's that we keep searching for it in all the wrong places that leaves us confuse and we can't seem to find the right path to it. Maybe instead of wasting all of our time looking for happiness we should acknowledge the happiness around us. Or maybe it's this expectation to be happy that keeps us from really being happy. We feed off temporary happiness; one minute someone can do something that makes you so happy, the next it disappears because tears are running down your face. We hope for that temporary happiness to carry us through the bad times and get us to long term happiness. So when we're going this, does it mean happiness is gone or is it simply just hiding underneath? How can you find out? There are so many questions and way too many possible answers, but why waste our time looking for them? We all know that would make life convenient and that's one thing that life's not... convenient.

Well, I don't wanna look for the answers, instead I'll tell you what I realized... I realized that I often go looking for happiness in all the places I know I won't find. I look for it in people I know I can't get more than what I've gotten from them already. And although deep down I know I am looking in all the wrong places, I refused to give up because that's all I've ever known. It's like hitting myself over and over again, but why won't I stop?! I know that I'd feel better once I do, but why won't I? I realized that once it finally hits, it hits hard. It hits like a ton of brick, it stays on your chest, and it just makes you rethink everything. Finally it comes down to searching for this long term happiness in a black hole where I know I'll never get to it or taking the risk of looking for it somewhere else. I realized that when it comes down to it all, it's not about temporary or long term happiness anymore, it's about self happiness. I realized I was so busy looking for long term happiness and feeding off the temporary happiness to keep me going that I lost the meaning happiness. I realized I was not expecting too much nor was I giving too little, I was so into getting to happiness by looking for it in someone that I lost the happiness inside of me. I was focused on one direction and didn't care to look at any other direction to get possibly get to happiness. Once I stop hitting myself and realized that happiness can be long term, it can be long term as long as I find it within myself. I don't wanna be feeding off the temporary happiness to get me by. This time I want the real thing, I want happiness all the time, I don't want to find it in anybody else. I don't want to have to depend on someone else for MY happiness. I'm slowly heading in a new direction and I can honestly say I am happy. He was always there. He enhances my happiness and it is not solely base on him. That's how it should be! I shouldn't have to look so hard for it when it can be easily found through myself with the help of someone true. 

I don't want answers, I'll just take what I've realized and go with it. I do know this, looking for happiness is just exhausting until it finally hits, it's been there all along... it's not far from where you are.<3

Gobble It Up!

Ah... Finally, my favorite time of the year. :) Thanksgiving is tomorrow and boy, did it come fast! I'm a little down knowing Mylo won't be joining us for tomorrow and possibly for Christmas. It kills me to think about her being stuck in Texas and won't be able to come home. :( That's probably the only downfall to this year's holidays. I miss her more than words can describe and it honestly feel like I lost my other half (sigh). I guess this is what happens when we grow up, we go our separate ways, and we try our best. I love you, Mylo! And to all the people who can't be home for the holidays, I hope you'll make the best of it and know that you're loved.

Since it is Thanksgiving tomorrow, here's what I am thankful for...

My wonderful family, especially my loving and supportive parents, my amazing little brothers' ability to keep the smile on my face. I'm thankful for the things they have done and do for me. I couldn't ask for a better family.

My beautiful niece, Skyla May and nephew, Timothy for reminding me how beautiful life really is.

Mylo, who is always there to tell me what I need to hear and always waiting to catch me if I fall. I don't know how I got so lucky to have you in my life, you're like my sister, and I am more than thankful for you!

My loving boyfriend/best friend. Thank you for being my backbone, loving me for me, and for staying with me through it all. You truly are my heart. I love you.

My girls for always being there through the goods and bads.

Herbert. It's been tough, but I can't wait to have him with me all the time.

The little things in life that makes me happy such as, flowers, rain, candles, Christmas music, etc.

A roof over my head, clothes on my back, and shoes on my feet.

To be in school and be able to enjoy my life because some people can't.

Most of all, I am thankful for the one who keeps blessing me... God. Thank you.

Sometimes it's hard to remember what's really important in my life because I let the smallest matter get to me, but taking a step back and looking at my life... I realized I have more than what anyone could ever ask for and that's what I'm thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving! Cherish all that you have, appreciate the ones in your life, and keep counting your blessings!<3

Here I Am

A Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz will make any girl feel beautiful. :)

Just taking a few minutes to appreciate the things in my life and write down my thoughts…

First, I am so thankful to have what I have in my life and I realized today that not everyone is as lucky as I’ve been and am. I can’t thank God enough for the people, things, and opportunities he’s blessed me with. 

I love my parents even though they treat me like I am 5, literally. I get annoyed that they so badly want the best for me that they don’t see at the time they are pushing me away, but at the end of the day… They’re my parents and I run to them for every single thing possible. I just wish they get that I make smart choices and there’s no way I can mess up my life now… At times I wish they have a little more confidence in me and know that I will always try my hardest not to let them down. I know what’s right and what’s wrong, let me figure it out. I’ll never learn if I didn’t make mistakes… I’m wise because I’ve made many mistakes throughout my life. There’s a big difference between making mistakes and learning from mistakes… I’ve learned and I take that to heart. 

I only have a handful of what I call my true friends and they never cease to amaze me with the words they tell me to make me feel loved and cared for. I am so grateful that I can count on them to be there when I need them. I realized that as you get older you don’t have time to make friends or get to know someone very well like you would be able to in high school. I cherish the ones I have and these are the ones I can truly call my life long friends. 

I also learned that loving someone is always worth the wait. It’s the whole world spinning out of control, but knowing that you have that other person there makes it all worth the while. I learned to never think into it too much and just going with it because the more you think into it, the less sense it makes. Don’t dig for stuff, embrace what is in front of you. Be secure in yourself to know that what you’re showing this other person is real and be happy that they accept you for it all. I learn not to doubt and give up easily. If it’s worth it, fight for it until you can’t anymore. It’s amazing the things people would do for love and the one thing I admire most about people when they’re in love is letting their guard down and just simply trust… Slowly, but surely I’ll get there someday because from now on I am practicing what I’ve been preaching all along.

<3

For Once

I just don’t care.

I don’t want to know.

I don’t want to talk.

My laughters are real.

My smile is bright.

I’m not thinking.

I’m not guarded.

I am undone…

& I just want to be.

For once… I’m running out of words to say cause my breath is completely taken away. <3

Reminder

“You’ll forget the things you did, but you’ll never forget the things you didn’t do.”

“For what it’s worth, it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit… start whenever you want… you can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that stop you. I hope you feel things that you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you are proud of the life you live and if ever you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to change it.”

Nothing Sweeter

Have you ever just felt happy for no reason at all? That’s what I’m going through right now… I know sometimes I lose touch of what I truly have in my life, but once I remember I feel so blessed. It’s a feeling I can’t seem to explain, but it’s there and I know what I’m talking about. So here’s just a few things that are on my mind and I like to collect all my thoughts throughout certain weeks and put them into writing. :)

Who doesn’t have those days or weeks where NOTHING seems to go right? I know it gets frustrating, so frustrating to the point where you want to explode and just give up, but I hope you don’t. Just know that things go bad before they get better and know that life is never convenient, but I guess the beauty of it all is that you go through the bads to get the goods and once you do, it’s the best feeling in the world. I get it now, you appreciate things more if you go through hell to get it rather than getting it the easy way… You always do. Just know that no one wants to be around negativities, so turn it around into something positive. You are who you surround yourself with, if you are negative all the time… No one will want to be around you. It’s easy to be negative and think that the world is against you, but it takes something special inside of you to turn that negativity into something positive. You gotta know that not everything is going to go your way, you gotta know that you will hit a LOT of bumps throughout your life and what? Are you just gonna give up? Fight it! Push through! There is nothing you can’t do and if you think that you can’t do something then yeah, you probably won’t with that attitude. Believe in yourself, you’ll see… It really works.

Remember that it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with. You could be at the most beautiful place in this world and if you don’t have anybody to share it with, it’ll just be another place to you. I’m not talking about just that special someone, I’m talking about friends and family. Don’t ever lose that within, your loved ones are all that you really have in life. At the end of it all you know who will be standing there and by now you’re probably not too sure, but eventually you’ll figure it out. It’s okay to not know, you’ve got time to figure it out and take that time to really figure out who’s gonna be there and who won’t. Don’t expect too much out of people you know will only disappoint you. Save yourself the time and heartache, untie that string.

You’re always rushing, rushing to school, or to work. You’re always rushing to somewhere in your life, but you never take the time to really enjoy it all. You’re rushing to grow up, you want to just be out of school, start your career, and you want to just move on with my life already. I mean it’s not bad to want that, but what’s with the rushing? Will it be what you expect it to be when that time comes? I don’t know, I wish time would slow down a bit. I used to rush, but not anymore… I just want to take my time. I want to take the time to breathe and just enjoy it one step at a time. I am excited for the future, but it won’t change… It’ll be there whether I rush or not. We tend to forget that time passes by way too fast, if we don’t take the time to enjoy it in a flash it could be ten years from now and we’ll be wondering where the time went and I rather capture every single memory, breathe deeper, and really look at everything and everyone around me.

It’s hard to let go of certain people in your life especially if they’re all you’ve ever known, but sometimes it’s for the better. I know first hand how hard it is, it’s really not that you can’t… It’s that you don’t want to and you’re just not ready. & If you’re not ready, then don’t. Like I’ve always said, no one expects you to (If they do, they’re dumb) and no one knows how it is, BUT you. No one could possibly tell you how to feel or how it really is. Everyone’s situation is different, they couldn’t know what you’re going through. They can relate, but could never compare. It truly does suck and if there was a cure for it, I’d tell you, but there is no cure except time. They say time heals all wounds and we all know this… We’re just not patient enough to wait it out. I always think of this, you can’t get to the future if you’re stuck in the past. Everything WILL fall into place slowly, but surely. & God has a wonderful way of making it all happen, so leave it up to him. I promise you, you will appreciate it when it comes.

“Only one way to let go of the past, ACCEPT IT! Only one way to make a better future. SEE IT!”<3

Embrace Life

I heard something very inspiring today in church and I just have to share.

“I don’t like when people say the glass is half full or half empty because I just admire the glass for what it is and I believe that what you put into the glass is what makes it beautiful.”

I never thought of it that way and it is so true. It’s not that it is half full or half empty, it’s the glass (life itself) and what you put into it. So admire life for its beauty and forget that it is half full or half empty… Happiness is what you put into your life.<3

Keep The Faith

Where does the love go when two people who are so deeply in love with each other break up? Does it get split up? Here, you have this piece and I’ll have this piece or does it just float around somewhere until it is found? No one really knows and what a hard question to answer.

You fight to stay together and you fight to go your separate ways, it seems like it is always a fight between the two of you. You know it’s dumb, but you let it happen and you know in your heart that it’s not worth hurting each other over, but you do it anyway. We all like to test our limits, we want to see what ticks them off, and what we can get away with. If only relationships come with some instructions, will we all succeed then? No one really know what the right thing is when it comes to relationships, you just go with it, and hope that it’ll work out in the end. You’ll hit a lot of bumps along the way, but you don’t stop there. You continue to go down this road with no assurance that you will get anything in the end, but in the end whether it works out or not, you always gain something from it. You learn more about yourself than EVER when you are in a relationship, you find out who you are as a person, what makes you crazy, and what it is that really makes you love or admire a person. You end up always walking away with lessons learned. If only all relationships end with a happy ending, but they don’t. You never know what you’re getting yourself into and you never know what will happen. Your prince charming could turn into an ugly frog or your ugly frog could turn into prince charming. When love happens, it rushes and when it leaves, it takes its sweet time. You feel it in your soul, it hurts and it just hurts so much you can’t get yourself to breathe right. That feeling of disappointment gets you to stay in bed for days, you cry all the tears that you have inside of you, and the sadness from it is just so sad you can’t bare to even look at yourself. Every where you go and every little thing you hear or see reminds you of the wonderful times love showed you. It’s funny that love is such a beautiful thing when you are out of it, but when you’re in love all you did was picked apart all of the bad things that it caused. It’s hard to be alone, it is always hard to be alone and the thing is you don’t get answers out of the ending to a relationship either, at least not the answers you want to hear. You mope around, feeling sorry for yourself, crying because you listen to the saddest of songs, and giving yourself reasons to get over him. Sleeping is hard cause you wake up wishing it would be a dream and eating is hard when you can’t keep the food down cause you’re sick to your stomach of the things they may be doing or did to you. The person you want to be there to wipe your tears and tell you everything would be okay is not there because they’re the reason for all of it.


So what do you do? You dig and you dig for stuff to hurt yourself so you can get over him until you can’t get yourself out of your own hole. Stop…Wait… Slow down…. No one expects you to get over it so fast. Just take your time, cry your heart out. Talk about him/her as much you want to, every chance you get, and to whoever that would listen. Even if they’re not listening, just talk. You even talking about it is already the first step into letting go, don’t try so hard to get over love. It’s going to float around, not far, but just right above you. It takes one sec to fall in love and years to forget about it. You need to listen to your heart and stop fighting against what you’re feeling. No one is going to judge you if you still love that person or miss them. No one has the right to sit there and point their finger at you when in situation like this only you would know the feeling. Just take your time… It will all unravel itself and things will fall into its place, they always do. Take it one breath at a time and don’t be afraid to drop those tears. The people you love will tell you that you deserve much better and that things will work out for the better, but it doesn’t do anything if you don’t believe that yourself. & They don’t know if it’ll work out for the better, YOU don’t even know if it’ll work out for the better, but no matter what your faith will guide you through♥

Lessons Learned

Take the time to realize that you are growing a little every day, you learn stuff as you go on living day by day, and hopefully you gain something from them. Here are just some of the lessons learned in the past two weeks, people are right when they say you learn something new every day, sometimes, without even knowing.

Don’t push anyone out, if someone is opening up to you, take them in with open arms. If someone needs you, even if it’s a stranger or someone you barely know, let them know that you will be there and listen to them. Sometimes it might seem stupid, but really… you do more stupid crap in a day worth that one more is not going to change anything. If someone is doing well and have everything going for them, be happy for them. Don’t sit there and hate on them, YOU gotta be secure enough with where you are in your life and who you are to be happy for someone else. Sitting there and bashing on what they do and where they are at in their lives, only shows what a sad and insecure person you are. Don’t do it, be better than that. When someone sit there and judge you for who you are not, don’t even bother to justify yourself, as long as you know who you are as a person and you are comfortable with it then end of story. No need to drag the drama that someone brought into your life on longer than it should be. Don’t be a pushover, when you know you can’t handle something, don’t take it on! Don’t let others guilt you into doing their work for them… They need to learn how to be responsible & you’re not helping by doing their tasks for them. Stand up for yourself. If you have something negative to say to someone, keep it in, you’re only egging on the negativity they possess.

When someone asks you if you’re okay and you are not, say so! Sometimes it is good to admit to yourself and others that things are not okay and whether they understand or not is the answer to why things are not okay. Don’t let others tell you how you feel, they are not you, they couldn’t possibly know. If you feel like you need a break, do so. Who to say you don’t? Just take it. There’s a fine line between sharing and bragging, learn it. Share to people, brag to your family and bests. Because when you brag to the people who love you, they know you are just happy and you don’t mean anything else but that. Not to mention they will be happy for you. Bragging to just people, they might not understand how you are and will end up taking it in the wrong direction, so be careful what you share/brag to people. If you love someone, just love them. Don’t count the good and bad things you’ve done to each other. You have both done a fair share of crap to each other. Think before you say/do things to each other, as hard as it is through the anger, think…you just never know. Don’t settle for less, if you want to do it all, go for it! If you want to be in 5 professions at once and can… why not go for it? You only have this life to live, live it however the hell you want to. The people who tell you, you can’t, are the ones that you need to get rid of. See the “you can’t” as inspirational words for you to strive harder to become successful! Jealousy is one of the deadliest sins, do not find yourself trap in it. Jealousy leads you to become someone you are not, doing the things you don’t want to do, and living the life of someone else’s.

Life is all about choices, I hope you make the right ones as you go on and along the way take the time to realize what you’ve gained from it all, but don’t look back unless it’s a good view♥

A New Light

So maybe I am not the wisest of them all, but I am wise for my age, when I say I’ve been there and done that for my age, oh it’s true. I’ve been through the whole trying to fit in phase and I’ve been through the stage where I did a lot against what I truly believe in. I’ve gone through friendships and relationships that was so bad for me, but none of that matters now because of where I am today.

Note to self: It’s okay to be in your own skin, don’t let others talk you into doing things you don’t want to do. If a relationship is unhealthy for you and deep down you can feel it, then leave. Don’t stay around because you feel sorry for them or you feel that they would be deeply hurt if you left. You, yourself, are hurting… In this case, it’s okay to be selfish. Real friends do not push you to do anything against what you believe in. Fitting in only lasts for that moment in time, but the choices you make follow you throughout your life. And it’s scary to know that by that one choice, your life will either be right side up or upside down. You will end up paying for the mistakes you made, but learning from it and understanding why it is a mistake will make the consequences seem small. Life is just too short to pretend to be someone you’re not, in fact, it does not make you happy following along someone else’s trail, create your own! Be who you really are and notice the true friends and lovers that stick around. & Be happy that you are who you are, don’t try to change for anybody, change for the better of yourself. Don’t mistake changing for and changing with someone; changing for someone means you are rearranging your life and yourself around to accommodate someone else’s needs and wants, changing with someone is growing with that person and learning about each other. If that person truly loves you, they wouldn’t want you to change beyond who you are anyway. There’s always room for improvement, but there’s also a limit. Don’t push yourself too hard, don’t think that you can always do better… You’ve done all that you needed to do, stop trying to push yourself over your own limit. Realize the beauty around you, realize that it is worth it to wake up every morning, and it’s worth all the bad luck in the world. But more importantly realize that you’re worth it, you are worth everything and anything in this world<3

Hope For Tomorrow

It takes someone to leave for you to know how much they meant to you, it takes a scar for you to remember not to do it again, it takes a tear to remind you that you are only human and it is okay to be weak, it takes a laugh to create and remember the good times, and in just a moment in time all that would go away and you are left with an empty head, lost, no words to say, and not knowing what to do to describe how you’re feeling… When laughing, crying, and talking just won’t do it anymore, when no one or nothing can make you feel better, and you don’t even know how to make yourself feel better or what to even tell yourself. Sometimes it is better to be alone when you’re going through a certain situation than have people around to comfort you, because even though you know they’re supportive, love you, and care about you… you, yourself, don’t for the time being, you just need time to yourself to figure you out, and eventually realize it yourself that everything will be okay in the end. That’s what I call a moment of clarity, when everything just makes sense, when you know that no matter how broken you are right now, you will get through it and there’s not a thing you cannot conquer in this world with the power of believing in yourself. No one knows if everything will be okay in the end, but if you believe it can be gets you a step closer to it will be. The power of believing is truly incredible.

It’s not going to work right away, you’re going to be sad, confused, and frustrated. You’re going to want to say the meanest things and do the stupidest things because you don’t know what else to do but act out, and that’s okay. Do it, get over it, and just breathe… But I hope that you will never stop believing in yourself. I hope that you will find out who you really are, I hope that things will work out in your favor, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay too. Don’t work yourself up for something so small. I hope that you find who your true friends are in life, because those are ones that will stick with you throughout this roller coaster ride, the ones you can run to when all falls. I hope that love gets the best of you and not the put downs. I hope that you keep believing what you’re doing, and where you are in life. Because a moment of doubts go a long way; it throws you off balance and puts your life on pause. I hope that when you do get a chance to tell your true feelings, you do so. Endurance is a good thing, but you’re only human, you can’t endure everything. I hope you speak up when you need to and not be scared to lose anything or anyone, because in the end, you will end up with the things and people you’re meant to be connected to. I hope that you spend more time doing good instead of bad, I hope you are safe and sound, I hope letters keep you warm and prayers keep you safe. I hope you realize beauty lies within and not all the materialistic things you wear or carry. I hope you find it in yourself to give someone a nice comment than to put them down, I also hope you know that a kind word can be very inspirational to someone else. I hope kisses still gives you butterflies. I hope you forgive yourself and others more often. I hope you know when to give yourself a break. I hope you lose the pain and misery you hide within and reach out. I hope when you think no one is there to listen, you rethink, pick up the phone and call me cause I will. I hope that when you feel like you want to give up, you think of the loves you have in your life and smile. I hope the little things in life will make you smile the biggest. I hope that when laughing just won’t do it anymore, you cry and cry as loud and as much as you can. I hope you’re not afraid to show who you really are cause only then will you be surrounded by true people. I hope you know wearing your heart of your sleeves is a good thing, and don’t let anyone tells you otherwise. I hope you don’t rush to grow up and enjoy every piece of the child within. I just hope you never stop believing in yourself and I hope you know you’re not alone♥